Uncovering Your Reality

Regular blog on the concepts of focus and self mastery, published every Tuesday.
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Yes. If I could pick a word that describes the theme this year it would be balance.

Why? Because I’m seeing both the balance and the imbalance within myself and the in the world around me. I see the crazy around me. I also see where I haven’t fully balanced within myself. I’m slowly shifting the balance. I’m creating a new balance in my life that makes more sense to me.

You’ve probably noticed I haven’t been around for a while. I haven’t been posting very much. I haven’t been writing blogs. I haven’t been working on anything in the background. I literally walked away because I needed to.


Actually I just completely evaporated for a while. Life started happening, things have been changing, and I’ve been on a bit of a hiatus since.

What changed?

Well, I was able to get my debt paid off. The phone stopped ringing. The collection agencies are gone. I’m free!!


Accepting the past and co-existing with our memories are different things. Co-existing with our memories is just learning to get okay with the memory so that when our memories upset us we don’t end up down a rabbit hole of emotion we have trouble getting out of.

Accepting the past takes that process one step further. Now we have to get okay with the whole thing, not just the memories but also the people involved and the experiences we’ve had. We have to learn to co-exist with our own previous life experience.

Sometimes when we talk about accepting the past it turns into inner child work, but the truth is that the past is not limited to everything that happened before you were 13. Accepting the past includes your teenage years, your young adult years, maybe your thirties, forties, and fifties as well. Accepting the past includes accepting what happened yesterday and 5 minutes ago. Accepting the past includes everything right up until the very present moment of our experience. That means it’s not just inner child work, it’s inner adult work and inner teenager work too.


Acceptance is our ability to co-exist with our memories, whether the memory happened 5 minutes ago, 5o years ago, or anywhere in between. Being able to co-exist with our memories offers peace in the present and allows us to heal from the past.

How do we do that?

First, let’s get our thinking right. Accepting past experience does not mean that we’re allowing that experience to repeat again. It doesn’t mean we’re okay with what happened. It doesn’t mean we forgive anybody for anything. It doesn’t mean anything in the outside world at all. It’s not about the outside world. Acceptance of memories is strictly about allowing ourselves to be okay in the present.


Doing nothing is okay.

We don’t have to engage in symbolic actions.

We don’t have to engage in dramatic actions.

We don’t have to engage in any action. We can simply allow things to be as they are.

This offers a lot of fear. It creates the fear of what happens if we don’t do anything.

The ego perceives itself as the hero in its own story. When we believe that taking action is the only thing that’s going to prevent chaos, it offers a lot of pain because the story is not true.

Often our action creates more pain than simply doing nothing. We don’t see that – even when we end up creating more problems than we solve. This turns into blame. We blame the other side for their choice instead of accepting that the problem was self-created.

In most cases it looks like trying to force acceptance through legislation. We try to make people conform. What generally happens is that when people that have been made to conform get into power, they violently swing the pendulum the other way by taking away the choice to accept anything at all.

We’ve seen this play out time and time again. Abortion rights played out this way in the United States. Canadian news link sharing on social media played out this way. Most wars play out this way. Women’s right in general are getting ready to play out this way. Religion plays out this way. Everything plays out this way eventually.

The solution is not difficult. It’s actually really easy. What’s the solution? Do nothing. Stop legislating and mandating acceptance. Allow hate to exist.

That’s hard isn’t it? We don’t like that because we think we have to fight against hate, but we don’t. Allowing it to simply be there makes it much less of a problem than it is when we try to get rid of it.

I was reading Pema Chodron’s book Welcoming the Unwelcome. She starts the book talking about allowing and accepting, which is the whole premise of her book.

On page 26 of that book she says, “If we commit to being aware of our tendency to polarize, and we counteract that by arousing bodhichitta (awake heart), we will gradually close these gaps. Then we’ll be able to see all people as fellow human beings who want to be happy just like us.”

On page 28 she does a complete about face when she says “Having compassion doesn’t mean we can’t take a stand. It’s important to speak up when we’ve been hurt, when we see others being hurt, and when we observe or experience examples of abuse of power.”

These are opposing energies. Allowing people to be happy means allowing them to do what they want, even when we don’t like what they are doing. The only thing wrong with what they are doing is our judgment of it. That’s it. To fully accept that people are allowed to be happy we have to release judgment of their actions as good or bad, right or wrong. We have to be willing to leave them alone.

Compassion goes toward everybody involved. We have compassion for people whose unhappiness causes them to do things that we don’t like. We also have compassion for anybody that is on the receiving end of those actions. But we do not interfere. We allow those things to be as they are because there is nothing wrong. Our judgment is the only thing that makes it wrong.

All experience is neutral. It just is. When we can fully accept that, then we can allow all experience, even perceived bad or wrong experience, to play out without interference.

Judging any action as good or bad is polarizing in and of itself. It is judgment that creates the polarization. If we want to do away with polarization, then we have to remove judgment and allow all experience to simply be what it is. To state that we should be speaking out against anything is a polarizing statement on its own. We can’t remove polarization when we’re still hanging onto it by encouraging people to speak out against things they don’t like.

We aren’t welcoming the unwelcome when we’re busy trying to do away with things we don’t like. To fully welcome the unwelcome we have to allow all things to be as they are, not just some of them.

By the way, expressing our feelings when we’re on the receiving end of somebody’s unwanted actions, is okay. Feel how you feel. Allow those feelings to flow through without projecting them or blaming anybody for them.

“My feelings are my responsibility, even when somebody does something to me. It is not your fault I feel this way, it is actually my choice to feel this way.”

When feelings flow through unencumbered by stories of blame, shame, guilt, and victimization, we don’t need to carry them around, project them onto anybody, or make them into souvenirs. They simply come and go freely and relatively easily. Experience is much simpler when we don’t hold onto any emotions that may be triggered by the experience.

How do we get rid of hate if we just ignore it and let it be there?

Hate in the collective is created individually. It is up to individual people to heal the pain that causes them to hate. That can’t be forced. It’s something they have to come to on their own time, in their own space, without outside intervention.

One of my favorite questions to ask is, “How much pain do you need to be in before you do something differently?”

How much pain do people who hate other people need to be in before they heal the pain? The only way to know that is to allow them to play out the hate they feel until it finally creates enough pain for them that they change it.

That’s the process times however many people are stuck in hate right now. Allow that process to continually play at the individual level until hate is gone.

When does that happen?

Who knows. Maybe it doesn’t. Our only job is to get okay with that possibility. Allow the hate to be there. Stop forcing healing or acceptance because we can’t. We can’t force people out of pain. We can’t save anybody. It’s not our job.

Inaction offers presence. Presence offers clarity. Clarity comes through inaction.

If we’re riled up about the things going on around us then we don’t have any presence, clarity, or inaction. We’re too busy arguing, defending, saving, protecting, and demanding from others to see the problems we’re self-creating. We start living a reactionary life instead of an intentional, purposeful one.

Judgment causes reaction which is why we feel the need to speak out against things. It’s an immediate reaction to a negative judgment. Awareness is the speed bump that’s designed to allow us to slow down. When we can recognize the reaction to the judgment, we have the ability to stop ourselves and change that. Inaction is the change that needs to be made because inaction is what allows us to release the judgement. It’s the judgment that’s the problem not the external experience. The experience just is. The judgment is changeable.

Humans have a natural tendency to judge. That’s the ego doing its job. We’re all born with that. Most of us had it modelled in extreme ways as children. The world is rife with judgment of all kinds from everywhere. That’s the first recognition that we have to have. Human judgment is normal.

We need something to counteract that with. Awareness is the first step in that process. It gives us that extra second to recognize that judgment is now present. Okay, what do we do with that?

Figure out where it came from. What’s the judgment based on? What belief or idea do we have that’s causing us to create judgment? Is that belief or idea true?

If experience just is then any judgment that says it is wrong or shouldn’t be happening isn’t true. Our job is to figure out how to release that story.

Ultimately it’s going to offer us non-action. When we get there and we stop judging experience, we stop needing to react. We stop needing to change it or fix it. We get better at just allowing it to be there.

Awareness offers us the ability to choose non-action. The more we can do that, the calmer the world will end up being. I know it doesn’t seem that way. It appears as though complete chaos would ensue, but it will not. If people are no longer feeling forced, they will stop reacting because no pressure will be present.

Most of the problems in the world, even collectively, are self-created and are easily fixed through non-action.

What about the things that require action like equalizing food distribution?

We have to step back from these temporarily as well to find aligned, true, and correct action that isn’t just simply a reaction to the problem. To create a permanent foundation and solution, we have to be willing to see the bigger picture via non-action first.

Fighting against the lack of distribution doesn’t solve it. Stepping back, fully understanding the problem, building a stable foundation to put a permanent solution into place, does solve the problem. But it requires conscious, intentional action to do. The need to react and over-react has to stop so that permanent solutions can be found.

Non-action, even temporarily, is the solution to most problems because it is non-action that will offer us the clarity to either fix problems that have solutions or to stop self-creating problems because we think we’re preventing other problems from happening.

Go stare at the wall until you’re uncomfortable.

Non-action will become your best friend.

Love to all.



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“They disrespected me. ”They made me feel bad.” ”They upset me.”

What do all of those phrases have in common?

They all blame the “they” for how the “me” feels. Those sentences blame our feelings on something or someone outside of us.

What if we said this instead?

“I’m choose to feel (insert feeling) about (insert experience). Because of how I feel, I’m choosing to (insert action).”

For example: I’m choosing to feel bad about what you said to me. Because of how I’m feeling, I’m choosing to walk away right now.

Sometimes, we try to take ownership of our feelings and it backfires somewhat because of how that sentence typically starts. We say, “You made me feel…” That’s blame and it’s a lie. It’s not true.

The reason why it backfires is because of the sense of blame that the phrase offers. The sentence started with “you”. That’s blame. “You did this. You made me.” Change “you” to “I” to remove the blame. “I did this.” “I made me.”

Nobody can make us feel anything. The feelings are a response to something outside of us. But those feelings are changeable based on how we perceive things, what happened 5 minutes earlier, how much sleep we got last night, whether or not we’ve had coffee, and which way the wind is blowing. Because the feelings are so changeable and based on such a wide variety of circumstances, they aren’t always a true reflection of what’s happening around us. They aren’t always accurate. That means we have to make choices about our feelings.

We can choose to project them or not. We can choose to display them or not. We can choose to blame them on something outside of us or not. We can choose to feel differently about something or not. The feelings are a choice not a true reflection of what’s happening and often not even a true reflection of what we’re thinking.

If the feelings come up and we’re not completely in control yet, we can own that too. The first choice we can make is not to project those feelings. The second choice we can make is to be honest about that.

“I need to deal with these feelings I’ve chosen before I can do this.”

All of these shifts in how we talk give us our power back. They create that sense of ownership that’s missing in other phrases. The more we’re willing to own every thought, feeling, action, and word the more empowered we become.

“I need to deal with me before I can deal with you.” That’s probably more true than anything else we’d likely say. It offers ownership and projects nothing onto anybody else. That’s empowerment.

What would happen if you started to consciously change the way you phrase things?

What would happen to the pain if you made a conscious choice to own the feelings instead of project them or blame them on others?

Surprising things happen when we can become aware of ourselves within the experience in such a way that we stop projecting our feelings onto people and situations.

Full ownership of ourselves is no easy task. It requires a lot of awareness and a willingness to examine where all the feelings and thoughts are coming from without the story of blame behind them. That’s not easy because of how convenient it is to blame our experience for everything. It’s much simpler to pawn everything off on the outside world.

But, while it may be simpler, it’s generally more painful because it doesn’t offer us a path to being able to manage anything. We don’t have control over the external world. So, if you’re just blaming the external world for everything, then your only form of control is to try to manage the external world.

As Dr. Phil would say, “how’s that working for ya?” Chances are, it doesn’t work for you. It’s actually really frustrating and hard to do. Usually it just results in more pain because we can’t ever get enough control over the external world to be happy for any length of time. There will always be something out there that we don’t like. There will always be a problem around. One of things we have to be able to do is co-exist with the problems. The way to co-exist with the problems is to own your own thoughts, feelings, and actions.

“I’m choosing to feel (insert feeling) about this problem. Because I feel that way, I’m making the choice to “(insert choice).”

Maybe your choice is to walk away from the problem. Maybe your choice is to ask for help. Maybe your choice is to try something different. Maybe your choice is to see the problem differently. Whatever your choice is, make sure it gives you control over your own thoughts, feelings, and actions.

Guess what? Now you can co-exist with that problem. It no longer has control over you. The blame is gone.

It’s simple but it’s not easy, right? I get that. Our work as conscious, somewhat awakened beings is to begin the process of owning our thoughts, feelings, actions, and words one thought, feeling, action, and word at a time.

Part of the process includes understanding how language can empower and disempower us depending on the phrases we use.

Are you willing to make a conscious effort to change how you speak in order to empower yourself?

Love to all.



You can help support my blog by clicking here to make a donation. Your support is greatly appreciated.

I couldn’t allow myself to put time into understanding how to write until I freed myself from the notion that I needed to write (quickly) if I wanted to eat every day.

Insecurity had won. Pain had won. My craft didn’t come first – survival did. It makes sense though, doesn’t it? Consider Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. Basic survival needs have to be met before a child can learn effectively. The same is true for any adult that has the job of fulfilling their own basic needs.

We take jobs because we need them to survive, liking the job or being good at it become secondary. I put off understanding how to write until I knew my basic needs were met. It seems, without trying, that I proved Maslow’s hierarchy to be true, not that my validation was needed or even asked for!


Maybe healing is just shedding the old identification with the pain to find a truer version of yourself. Maybe we put a little too much focus on healing pain and not enough focus on figuring out who we are without it.


We do this with our life experience all the time. How? By the story we tell about what’s happening.

You can fall off your bike as a 5 year-old child, scrape your knee, and make that into a life-altering experience that means you’ll never ride a bike again.

You can take that same fall off your bike at 5 years old, make it not a big deal, dust yourself off, and get right back on your bike.

What was the problem? The fall? Or my thinking about the fall and potentially how my caregivers reacted to my fall?


Yes, I’m putting my update blog in Uncovering Your Reality. Why? Because I’m uncovering my own reality via an update blog! Do you think it’s a stretch? ;)

Anyway, I wanted to share some little things that I’m moving around to hopefully make things make more sense. The goal is to make it easier for people to hear about the things they want to hear about from me. I have a tendency to put out a crap ton of content and that’s why I’m doing this!


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