Healing or Fixing?

Am I healing or fixing?

I had this conversation in the comments on one of my social media posts and it's a fascinating discussion to have. So, let's talk about it.

I need to back up to the beginning of my healing journey to make this make sense. When I started healing, I made the choice to fix myself. I saw myself as broken. I still see that version of myself as horribly broken. Not only was I broken as a human being, my life was broken too. I really saw myself as fixing the things that I had broken.

I felt like I had taken a wrecking ball to my life. I'd swung it around a bunch and taken out whatever happened to be nearby. It wasn't the first time that I'd done that. This type of behavior where I just cleared my plate and started again was normal. I did that every few years as a way of trying to manage the pain I was in. It didn't work. I just created more pain for myself. I would build it back up and it would be worse than what I had torn down, but this was how I survived for a long time.

Yes, I healed myself. I healed pain. I healed old wounds. I'm currently healing behavior. I healed my thinking too. I healed lots of things within myself and I still am. But I also had things to fix. I had broken pieces all over the place. The wrecking ball was powered by a category 5 hurricane named Laura. I was a natural disaster on legs. Healing was just the tool that I used to fix myself and my life.

I understand that at our core we're not broken. We're all just wounded and injured. I get that. From a completely spiritual perspective, humans are wounded and spirits are not. The reason for the upset is because of our perspective and how we choose to see things. Human perspective creates its own pain much of the time. If humans stopped judging their experience as good or bad and shifted their perspective, most pain could be avoided. Humans don't work like that though and the idea of judgement is part of the human experience. I don't believe we're meant to transcend that either. I believe we were designed that way on purpose and that the goal is not to transcend it but to simply learn to work with it.

I used healing as a tool. Healing was a means to an end for me. Healing was not the goal. It was not the intent. It was just the path I was taking because I'd tried everything else and nothing worked. I was using healing the same way somebody else might use a hammer. It was just a way to get to where I wanted to go.

For others, healing will be the intention and the goal. Healing will be the whole journey. There will be no goal other than to feel better. There may be no other purpose outside of healing for the sake of healing itself. That's okay too. When that is the case then you're probably not fixing anything. You probably don't see yourself or your life as broken the way I did.

When I say I didn't plan this, I truly mean I didn't plan this. I didn't set out to heal at this level. I was healing to solve problems and that was it. I fell into self-mastery. I fell into content creation. I fell into writing. The more I tried to keep myself on the old path and not allow the healing that I'd done to affect my trajectory, the more pain I found myself in. I had to go with it because not going was painful. I'm here accidentally on purpose.

Fixing things is my homage to my younger self. That's where I started from. That's what got me here. I wouldn't change it. Heck, I'd go back and do it again. It's been completely worth the effort I've put into it.

You don't have to fix anything if you don't want to though. You can change fixing into healing by just substituting the words and it's absolutely fine.

Healing is what I do now but fixing is where I came from and I'm okay with that. I hope you are too.

Love to all.

Della