Gone Fishing...
Actually I just completely evaporated for a while. Life started happening, things have been changing, and I’ve been on a bit of a hiatus since.
What changed?
Well, I was able to get my debt paid off. The phone stopped ringing. The collection agencies are gone. I’m free!!
I’ve also been doing about 6 years worth of income tax. I gave up on it for a long time because I thought it was hopeless. I just saw it as a trap that I was going to get caught in, so I walked away. But now I’m working through them. I’ll have them done shortly.
I bought some things for the house, only bought one tarot deck (not 12), bought some new clothes, new slippers, plus a few other things I needed.
Life has been busy but good.
It’s allowed me to re-focus myself, pay for the platforms I use for the next year, doing away with some of those so-called micro-payments. Little things like that make a difference.
But now I’m struggling with my content – or more accurately – I’m struggling with what I talk about, not how I talk about it, or the way in which I share it. I’m not bothered by blogs or books. I’m even thinking about creating a static info site of sorts with all kinds of things on it.
I always have a lot to say. Finding things to talk about really isn’t much of an issue, but I’m being pulled in a very specific direction that I’m not so sure about.
What is that direction?
Non-conformance. Bucking the system. Managing ourselves within the experience in such a way that we can step out of the system, back off from it, and completely do our own thing. Punching holes in the stories we tell about the system and how it works. Poking holes in the idea that we need to fight or struggle or defend ourselves. Allowing the natural laws of balance to balance themselves. We spend a lot of time messing with the balance creating more problems than we solve. Plus many other ideas that I’ve come across over the last few years.
These kinds of concepts make people mad. They defend the fight quite strongly. I still have this thing where I don’t like to be a sh!t disturber. I enjoy my peace. Creating content like that won’t offer me very much peace.
I get that I don’t have to stay in those relationships. I get that I can walk away. I get that I don’t have to argue. I understand how this works. I can manage myself within the experience. I just want an experience that doesn’t make me manage myself constantly. Does that make sense?
I don’t want to deal with the aggression that comes from challenging the idea that we have to fight with everything. I still like posting things that people agree with and don’t argue with. I like things to be easy. Writing is easy. Writing things that people argue with is easy. Dealing with the arguments after I share what I wrote isn’t easy. I don’t want to deal with the arguments. But then I’m also a healer and that’s actually my job. Showing people the pain is part of the job. If everything I post is easy for other people to handle, then I’m not really doing what I’m here to do.
In all honesty, it all ties back into self-mastery. It’s part of being able to manage yourself within the experience. One of the ways we can do that is by understanding where we’re trapping ourselves through our perception of the world around us. The world around us just happens to include a bunch of messed up systems and ways of being that don’t work. Seeing those clearly is part of how we can free ourselves to be okay. Seeing those clearly allows us to manage ourselves better. When the system offers pain, the idea is to free ourselves from that pain, but to do that we have to understand how our perception affects the pain we feel. If we can heal our perception then we don’t need to try to fix anything outside of ourselves. We can just walk away from the whole thing.
It’s easier just to offer you inspirational quotes all day, but I’d get bored. I won’t do that for an extended period of time. I get bored too easy. I get annoyed quickly by things that feel repetitive. I need the variety of being able to write about different things. Would arguing with people keep me from getting bored? Maybe. But that’s not peaceful is it? Oh, the conundrums I create for myself.
The other piece of this is that the reason I write has changed. I’ve done the work on myself. That’s not to say that I’m completely healed or anything like that. It’s just to say that I don’t need to write for me like I used to. Writing for myself used to offer a steady flow of content. It doesn’t anymore. I’m lucky if I need to write a blog a month for myself these days. Everything I write is now for others. It’s offering me an opportunity to be more creative. It opens up the relationship with my writing considerably. That’s also a bit scary because I never know what’s going to come out until I type it.
My intuition wants me to go with the flow. It’s not until I sit down to type that I get the inspiration. They want me to wing it instead of having a plan. Did I mention that’s complicated for me? I like plans.
I mentioned that I wanted to create a static info site of sorts which would be part course, part essays, and part blog. Maybe even part podcast. It would be a lot of different things. But I’m not allowed to have a plan anymore. I have to wing it. The inspiration will come later. I don’t do so well with that. I still like to have a system in place. I still like a plan. I still want the guidance before I go down the path. I’m being pushed out of the proverbial nest and being asked to go with the flow more.
The shift is real.
Its a bit on the scary side. I don’t really like what I’m being asked to do.
Guess what?
I need to get over myself and figure it out.
Everything I just wrote is a story that I’m telling myself. Everything.
That means that I need to drop the story so that I can move on. That means I need to drop the fear. I need to feel the fear and do it anyway. I need to be okay with winging it. I need to trust the plan will show up. I need to trust the details will appear when I need them. I just need to go with it.
For the moment, I’m not going with it. I’m stopped. That’s all fear and the story of my perception of things at the moment.
Can I get past it?
Of course I can and I will.
It’s never a question of whether or not I’ll get there. It’s only a question of how long it takes me to do it.
How do I know that? Because even when I argue with the relationship, I don’t let go of the relationship. I just figure out how to get okay with it. I just figure out how to manage myself in the experience of that relationship. I accept the relationship with my writing. I accept that I’m a writer. I also accept that I’m a healer. I’m just figuring out how to do both while honoring my intuition so that I can fulfill the reason why I’m here on this planet.
Yes, I feel that this is my path. It is part of my purpose in this human form. I’m willing to go on that journey. I just have to get out of my own way first. That’s what I’m attempting to do by writing this blog. I’m doing what I know. If I want to heal it, then I have to write about it. I could keep it to myself, but what’s the fun in that?
It’s not just about questioning everything, it’s also about sharing everything. So I’m sharing my struggles with you so you can see how this works and how I manage it for myself. I recognize the stories that I tell. I also have the pleasure of figuring out how to drop them or heal them because that’s my job. That’s what I talk about. That’s what I offer you. It’s what I do for myself every single day.
I live this way and I encourage you to do the same. You can free yourself. It will be okay. You will be fine. You do just have to trust yourself and nothing outside of you. When you can trust yourself, feel the fear and do it anyway. life changes dramatically. It has for me and it will for you too.
Love to all.
Della
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